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[Oct. 11th, 2005|10:15 pm] |
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ok so i haven't updated this in quite a while. i figured i would write out my ambitions and goals in regard to college, and then in a while i can look back and see which i've achieved and which i haven't. so last week i applied to three colleges-- binghamton, albany, and stony brook. my heart is really in the stony brook option, so i'll probably end up going there. i plan to major in astronomy, but minor in biology, since i'll be going on to med school after. originally i was going to just major in biology, but i did some reading and it's really not necessary, and medical schools are looking to diversify and accept people with alternate majors, so it's really in my best interest to choose a different major. astronomy would be so much fun though. in labs you use telescopes to look at the sky, and i'd be taking a lot of physics classes but i kind of like physics. i'm just really excited. stony brook is rated as a really good school and it's so far away from here. i can't wait to just leave olean and be like peace out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2005|01:57 pm] |
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i always want the ones i can't have |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|01:14 am] |
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i don't know, i have a lot to say but i'm not quite sure how to. lately it seems like i've been alienating myself more than usual with my sometimes unnecessary negativity. it just seems like i've always been negative but i've been pushing it more and more seeing how much i could actually get away with. this week it finally blew up and a few people who i considered friends finally decided they had had enough of my shit. i think it's gotten to the point where i'm so used to saying literally anything that popped in my head and it's a very difficult process to reverse. speaking your mind completely is amazing but it has a lot of drawbacks and it's actually quite selfish when it hurts other people. i realize this. from now on i'm going to try very very hard to be respectable and to be a person others can relate to and actually like, not just put up with. i'm just sorry for all the things i've said and done in a vain attempt to bring others down. i don't know how many people read this but just expect a lot of personality reforms on my part. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|05:48 pm] |
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ok i just watched an hbo movie about mathew shephard. i'm assuming, or at least hoping you all know the story behind that tragic event so i won't devulge in details. i have never cried so much in my life. it was like an hour and a half of just crying. it was pretty intense to say the least. i don't really know what to even say, what IS there to say? how are we homosexuals ever going to get equality in the united states, or the world for that matter? what can we possibly do, and when something is done will it ever be enough? how can you possibly overcome such anger and bigotry? i think it's the hardest thing any of us will have to do. granted, we got lucky, being born in a relatively accepting area. but what about those who weren't quite as lucky? how do we help them? the work that lies ahead is overwhelming. it's reassuring to see the progress olean has made, thanks to a few courageous individuals and an open mind among the general population. but ignorance is still winning the battle and sometimes i feel utterly helpless. i guess it's hard to explain to anyone who isn't in my, or our, exact situation. i guess we'll keep fighting and see, it's all we can do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|12:23 am] |
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it seems like i haven't updated in forever. i guess my life has become relatively tedious and so i lacked any opportunity for a meaningful update. i suppose i still do, but i felt the urge. i've been feeling so depressed. it's like everything in this town has become a cliche. i can't keep living here. i feel like that movie grounhog's day, where he wakes up and everyday is the same and the people always say the same thing. i've completely given up on my love life. met someone else who was typical to a fault, it ended predictably. i think ruts are quite possibly the worst prospect of life. i'm desperate for something new and exciting. olean is obviously a dead end town, and i would literally kill myself if i knew i was destined to live even in the general vicinity of this town for the rest of my life. my life has come to a stand-still and time is ticking very slowly. the majority of the people who read this, well i guess the majority of people in general, don't like me so i guess it's futile to even write in here. i guess it's semi-theraputic. i really don't know what else to say. comment and say something spontaneous, which i doubt anyone will because that's exactly what the people here lack. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|12:51 am] |
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so much for making amends. tonight drama just blew up. i guess that's what happens though. i guess i was trying to live a lie. i am not a nice guy, deep down i'm incredibly mean spirited. maybe i should just let that flow a little more and not try to compensate for it. all i know is the amend making is now officially over. i'm going to be brutally honest here, i'm one of, if not the, best looking and most intelligent people around here. i mean i still have my idealism of helping the poor and whatever else, but olean is the exception. how do you people live with yourselves? god i would kill myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|12:49 am] |
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jesus christ i need to do something meaningful with my life |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|02:03 am] |
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it feels like i haven't updated in here in a long time. so not much new lately. i'm kinda back with adam rice, and i'm sure i'm just repeating a mistake, but something draws me to him. he thinks he can boss me around, he thinks he's calling the shots, i'm just not used to that and it's strangely luring me in. i play it cool, and give the most cynical advice, but i am the biggest fool. it's weird, the second i took the option of dating off the table, people wanted to date me. last year, when i took hooking up off the table that was all anyone was willing to do. so i'm really curious who the anonymous poster was on my last post. it's so reassuring to realize there is another intelligent homosexual in the area, i just wish i knew the identity so we could have an intelligent conversation. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|02:19 am] |
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i don't know--that seems to be my catchphrase for the week. it seems like everyday is the same. i hate ruts. it's a tragedy when life seems routine. it just all repeats itself, i can't keep a guy for more than a week apparently, i just get drunk or something usually, i daydream all the time, things just are not working out like i saw them. i'm not even sure what to change, i can't pretend to be something i'm not to impress a guy, and there's nothing to do in olean but find ways to forget you live here. i have a financial aid interview deal sunday which made me start thinking about college. i love my friends with everything i have, but i am ready to get out of here and experience life. highschool is not life. these people don't know anything but olean. i was looking at colleges i'd like to go to and my dream college is the university of oklahoma. i'm going for social work and they have a good college for it, i was thinking seattle maybe too. after that i'm joining the peace corps. there's so much of the world, and of life, that we're missing out on. it's depressing. i'm nervous though. what if i fall into the trap of going to a college less than 3 hours away. what if i'm a new yorker the rest of my life and don't get to see anything else. i just want to be accepted to a college far away and be sure i'm going there and just have it to look forward to. i'm probably the only one worrying about it right now haha. |
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| what a joke |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|02:19 am] |
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so i haven't updated in a while. reading my last post made me laugh, what a fool i can be. i can't date people, everytime i try they always end up telling my i'm crazy. i suppose i do have a lot of problems i need to work out before i try dating. there is someone new in my life though...but i don't want a fall back plan. i'm just going to take what the summer gives me and see where it goes. i just feel like no one is ever going to want to put up with my shit and that's completely understandable. none of this is new i don't know why i even bother writing in here sometimes. i feel like i have a lot to say and i get to this page and i'm kind of blank. molly neary and i got tamagatchis. that's about the only thing i can think of hahaha. there is a lot going on in my life but i guess at some point i have to learn to keep love interests quiet, so that's the plan. i just deserve a good summer i think. well, i'm going to bed now because i have a date tomorrow, hahaha, i'll write in here friday and tell how it went. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2005|01:09 am] |
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lol. ok it's been more than three days since my last post and i am still crazy as fuck about this guy. i'm just happy about things in general, which is significant considering my recent history. i really don't have much else to write about. i guess i'm sick of people having the balls to talk about me behind my back and then be quiet when face to face with me. am i scary? am i big? no. just fucking say what you have to say why is that such a big deal for people? i'm just so much better than the people in this town. |
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| are you serious? |
[Jun. 16th, 2005|02:08 am] |
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ok i feel kinda stupid. i feel kinda stupid even writing this post lol. so you know the saying third time's a charm? i'm kinda thinking that's true. there have been three guys in my life in the past three weeks, which sounds like i get around but i didn't sleep with any of them, and i really like the one i'm talking to now. i know i'll look at this post in probably 3 days and be like SHAUN, WTF? but i llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllliike him a lot. kinda. not jumping into anything or anything, but still. i'm entitled to be happy. can i just have one functional relationship while in high school? i haven't been with a single guy yet who i'm crazy about. i'm always like this in the beginning though. that's my problem, i jump into it then get bored and peace. i've dated everyone it seems, i pretty much even ran out of people to date. lol. but this time i'm not dating anyone until i really truly like them, no more desperation. i've been single the past year of my life, the longest i've been single in like 5 years. ook i guess my livejournal is just to vent about my love life or lack there of. but in other, bigger news....TIM WILLIAMS (TIMBIT TO HIS FRIENDS) TOLD US TODAY HE IS A HOMOSEXUAL..................WHAT?????????????????? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2005|01:54 pm] |
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i suppose there's truth behind every old saying. do nice guys really finish last? it would seem that way. it seems my life, personality to be more specific, goes in cycles. when i'm nice, like i'm trying to be now, i get fucked over so ridiculously i can't do anything but sit there with my jaw dropped wondering how the fuck this happened. it's easier to take advantage of someone nice, a fact of life. i can't seem to decide if trying to be nice and let go of my negative feelings is worth the sacrifice. i've come to associate a certain degree of suffering with being the "good guy" and i'm not good in these situations. i'm too emotional. i think i'm a relatively stable person. i know what i want and i go after it. i can usually control myself and put thought into things. i feel like every summer i get overwhelmed with drama and i am utterly confused. i don't know where to go from here, or how to deal with people. i'm just trying to do my best and doing things the way i know how to. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|07:00 pm] |
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i'm doing so well at making amends i've even surprised myself. the whole idea was a whim too hahaha. I mean granted i am working my way up to the people i really hate, my goal being altruism and all, but i'm doing pretty damn well. i knew it'd be hard i'm so used to being bitter but now when people like jason who follow me down the halls because they are obsessed with me say things i just ignore it. i'm pretty much amazing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|10:40 pm] |
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so hopefully this post will be significantly less controversial than my last. infact i'll just warn you ahead of time, i'm about to rant about guys so if you just want to stop reading i understand. so recently the one, ONE, guy i've ever truly cared about fucked me over. welcome to dating guys i suppose. i will never understand how someone can mess around with you, ignore you the next couple of days, then hang out with you like nothing happened. maybe i'm crazy but i don't roll that way. relationships have become the one area of my life i cannot overcome. i have absolutely no clue what i'm doing, and i always end up fucked over. not to mention i can't see myself dating anyone who is in high school i'm too afraid they want me for my friends or some other aspect of my life. i have been around the block and i know that in most relationships there is an ulterior motive. i just want someone who really cares. is that too much to ask? i don't even care who it is, how old the person is, what the person looks like...just please give a fuck and be honest. relationships are, for me at least, life's most complicated day to day aspect. i just can't do anything right. i have the tendency to latch onto someone and just not let go. let's look at my past here, i've latched onto the worst possible people you can imagine. Jim...ahaha wow that was pretty cool just kidding, john k. what a fucking joke that was i don't even know how i could be that stupid, and seth. seth is different, he claims to be my best friend but is also the greatest source of misery in my life. i have no other options, i'll be honest it's not like guys are necessarily knocking down my door. i guess i've burned more bridges than i thought i did. READ THIS PART: that's why i'm openly declaring any homosexual who i have wronged in the past who wants to make amends, im me, come up to me in person, whatever, and i will welcome you. i guess at some point you allow yourself to have so many enemies that it becomes overwhelming. my life is a little too dramatic, and i hate it and love it at the same time. i guess it's time to tone things down. i'm ready for change and i can tell it's comming. i mean i'm fucking changing schools next year my life should be significantly different. oh yeah, my birthday is tomorrow. woo. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2005|10:28 pm] |
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i'm sorry olean is full of a bunch of low life disgusting pieces of shit. i'm sorry everyone is jealous of us and couldn't stand to see us get one more thing. i'm sorry i'm too good for this town and i'm forced to look down at on the people of this town. i'm sorry i'm increasingly bitter. sorry whitney looks like a man and she sleeps with everyone. sorry rachel would wrap her legs around poison oak if it had a penis. i'm just sorry democracy failed us all today. |
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| an early legacy |
[May. 14th, 2005|12:47 am] |
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can one person make a difference? this is THE question of my life. whether i fail or succeed i plan on making a damn good effort to make a difference. i don't think anyone can deny that ohs has been a relatively conservative school and a student body that abided by this. then there was me. i came out and wore my gay pride shirt and i got so much shit. i had so many people threatening to beat me up mr andreano had to escort me out of school at the end of the day to make sure i was ok. look where we have come. as i sat around the fire at statelands drinking my sparks i had the opportunity to welcome another to the fold. a previously extreme homophobe came up and admitted where he was wrong. i realize now what a difference i have made. i was the first gay guy at parties, and it used to not be easy. now i can bring my fucking boyfriend and not a damn person says anything about it. nick shembeda came up to me and told me that i have more friends than most people in the school and that my influence can change people's minds. how did i go from having literally two friends to influencing the minds of everyone at ohs? saying it's been a journey is an understatement. i don't know how i got here. but i see where younger people have been able to come out which makes the whole thing that much easier. they will pave the way for younger guys to come out after them, and the cycle will go on even after i'm gone. it's a legacy i will never take for granted. and while i'm given absolutely no credit, i can see where i've made a huge impact on olean and even one on walsh. these are people who will not only accept us in highschool, but as time goes on and we are older they won't see homosexuality as a fault and they won't be against gay marriage or equal rights. it's this bigger picture that means the world to me. thank you to everyone who has helpd and kept an open mind, we still have a long way to go, but look where we've already gone. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2005|08:40 pm] |
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i'm sick of people...get me outta here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|08:36 pm] |
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so, according to a couple folks at olean high school i'm just a big SLUT and a DEVIL WORSHIPPER. good to know! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|11:44 am] |
Your dating personality profile:
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited. | Your date match profile:
Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.
Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.
Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things. | Your Top Ten Traits
1. Liberal
2. Big-Hearted
3. Sensual
4. Adventurous
5. Outgoing
6. Intellectual
7. Wealthy/Ambitious
8. Funny
9. Stylish
10. Romantic
| Your Top Ten Match Traits
1. Intellectual
2. Outgoing
3. Adventurous
4. Practical
5. Big-Hearted
6. Sensual
7. Funny
8. Athletic
9. Stylish
10. Traditional
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Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions |
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